That's what I feel like. That's how I've been feeling the last few years and last night it hit me. I feel lost in my life right now and I'm not sure how to get unlost. This year has been a better one - which is something that I've really needed. But I've still had my low days and I've wondered/feared if I've been sliding back to where I was this time last year. I don't think I am, but I'm still afraid that it is happening/could happen.
I feel like my job is holding me back. Not just professionally speaking, but in all aspects of my life. I turn 25 in September - a quarter of a century old - and I'm really hoping to have signed a lease on my own place by then... but that's not going to happen as long as I'm where I'm at and making what I make. Theoretically, I could move out on what I make there as long as I had a guaranteed 35 hours a week (and considering when things are slow you get cut and I also asked to cut my hours down to 15-20 a week just because I can't deal with customers much longer...) but I'd be living pay check to pay check and if I can avoid doing that, I am going to... even if it means feeling like I'm still trapped in my parents' house. Don't get me wrong, I'm super grateful and blessed to have my parents and that they're okay with me still living here, but it's definitely getting more and more difficult to continue to live here.
I feel like if I can find a better job (a regular 40 hours a week with benefits and not shitty hours) I'd be in a better place and I'd actually be able to keep a writing schedule and get the ball rolling on the career that I want. So may people my age ask the question of "What is God's will for my life?" or "What am I suppose to do for the next X amount of years?" I know what I want to do - I want to write. That's all. But I've been wondering "What am I suppose to do in the now?" I honestly don't know how much longer I can stay where I am. I love my coworkers and management where I am at is pretty much epic, but it's the general populace that think they're self-entitled to every little thing and more or less abuse you verbally if you refuse to break policy for them. Rhetorical question: what is it about a name tag that says 'hello, please use me as your punching bag because obviously I am not an actual human.'?
I've decided that I'm really going to stop procrastinating on finding a new job. I remember when I applied for the one that I have that it was suppose to be temporary. I was reminded that when I was trying to make a writing deadline back at the end of February. I thought I'd only be there for six months... it's been almost nine months now.
I'm just trying to figure out where I'm suppose to go, what I'm suppose to do. I've gotten some great resources from the career center at the college that I attended and I'm using them. I just need to focus and actually apply for new jobs. I'll admit, a lot of it does fall on me when it comes to this - I'm the one that has been procrastinating like none other on this. But, I will find a new job and I will have it by September. I refuse to be where I'm at come the holiday season. I can't do it anymore. I need a change and I'm going to do that. I'm going to get myself unlost and I'm going to stop being held back by some dumb, dead end job.